Legally Virgin
by Dancing Feather
Summary: “I am not a virgin... I am a man!” But no one believed him. So America decides to set the record straight- well, sorta. What's your definition of straight? :mildly historical oneshot:


Who owns APH? Hidekaz Himaruya does! If there is any grammatical/bad story in general/spelling/historical/OOC-ness errors, _please_ correct me.

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**Legally Virgin**

No surprise, France started it. France started a lot of things when he knew the advantage was his. Sexual assault was just one of his many talents. The question was, once he started it, would he end it? Actually, that isn't really a question as the answer was obvious: no, he would not end it. Things would only come to a close if his life depended on it. Thus a little white flag would be placed on the matter and he would continue to insult from safety afar.

If this situation where with England, he would eagerly start by flipping off France with the classic backwards victory sign. After beating his French ass around the room, and to the protest of the other countries, England would stop. Once he thought France's ass was well beaten, anyways.

Kinky.

"I... I am not a virgin! I am a man!"

But this matter had to do with America. You could say he was a Cheetah, the way he ran everywhere. But you could also say he had the eyes of a Rhino, because he didn't seem to know where he's going. So as America has shown many times in the past before, when other countries tell him to stop, it doesn't happen immediately.

Forget I ever said Cheetah, he's a complete Rhino.

"Oh, really?" France laughed heartily. "Who's the lucky woman... or man?" He added quickly. He knew the male mind, he should know it, because he's a man. While that may be shocking to some of you readers, France knew that while America claimed to be the men of men, he was pretty sure he was gay. Like Germany, Korea, Poland, Lithuania, Prussia, England... actually, who isn't gay? France knew that even the straightest would look the other way if there were no women in sight, but this was ridiculous. It's like someone with godlike powers who was really bored, and crazy, did not have enough fruit in his bowl and so decided to set up this situation.

Someone like Hungary.

"Well America, France asked a question." England couldn't believe he was siding with France. But he had to admit he was curious. _'If this is true- IF it is... Once I found out who it is I'm going to strangle their unworthy, ungrateful little throat-' _UK hit his head with the palm of his hand, where did that come from?

"You mean... it's not obvious?" America felt his voice crack, his plan was not working? Other countries began to roll their eyes and giggle (except for Japan, who was pretending he wasn't there). Who would believe such a stupid lie? Well, everyone, except for one man...

_'It's __OBVIOUS__? Shit! Shit!' _England gritted his teeth. _'It's Italy, isn't it? ISN'T IT?'_

Even Germany seemed to be fidgeting a bit at his chair.

Meanwhile, Italy just finished preparing his fifth meal that afternoon (yes, with a mini stove at the table and everything). It smelled really nice. Spain gave him a wave across the table and Italy returned the wave with enthusiasm.

"Ah... Italy?" Germany whispered.

"Yes, Germany?"

"Ve need to talk, after dis."

"Oh sure!" He smiled before handing a plate over to Germany. "Manicotti?"

"Vhat?"

"It's a large noodle, and I stuffed it with meat and Parmesan, and..." Meanwhile, Hungary was secretly taking pictures of Germany's blushing face. But back to the situation at hand-

"I declare this meeting over!" Shouted America.

"You can't declare it over!" England shouted right back. "It just started!"

"Too bad!" America reached over to grab Japan in an attempt to make a cool looking, heroic speedy getaway. But in his hurry, he did not notice Japan dunking under the table to dodge his needy hands. Neither did he notice that he accidentally took Canada before running out the door. Silence blessed the room, if only for a few moments.

"America and America?"

"Actually, that makes sense."

"His only OTP for sure."

Still under the table, Japan sighed as he opened a secret door and escaped from the meeting undetected. Unless, you have Japanese senses. Or Chinese senses. China would kill someone if he was told he was Japanese.

Outside of the building, America released Canada before running out into the grassy fields to kick something. Rock, small furry animal, anything. He wanted to vent.

"You know America... it's not a bad thing to be a virgin, eh." Canada picked himself off the ground and followed (with safe distance) behind America.

"Then why are they picking on me?" Either he didn't notice, or he was un-fazed that he grabbed the wrong country from the meeting. "I'm not the only vir... you know, around here!"

"I'm sorry America, but- eh..." Canada covered his face with his hands as he felt himself blush. "Other than Sealand, I can't think of any other country." America stopped trampling an ant hill to stare at Canada.

"Canada- you?" Canada nodded. "Seriously? But... with whom?"

"F-France actually, he's the only one that gives me any time of-" Canada flinched when he heard America run back into the building and slam the door, "...day." He sighed, hugging the bear that just happened to be there.

Did that sentence just rhyme?

God dammit.

"I can't believe it! Canada? Oh, hell no!" If there was an actual meeting going on before America interrupted, it didn't matter anymore. Kicking the doors down, America jumped on the closest thing there was. Thankfully, Japan was not there to be stood upon. "I'm going to kick your ass, France!" He shouted, pointing at his new victim.

"Please aru, who hasn't?" China sighed as he leaned his face into his hands. _'Yet another fight I'm not __going to get any benefits from, aru.'_

England, who was just before this point angsting, was now head over heels for America. _Again._

"What brought this on?" He walked over to America, who was still standing on Japan's chair.

"France fucked Canada!" England didn't get what America said, but hey, any to beat France up and get back together with Ameri- well, not to say they ever were, but England has a weird mind.

"Who hasn't France like, fucked with?" Poland rolled his eyes as he showed Lithuania his newly manicured nails.

"No!" America shook his head. "I'm mean, literally!" He glared back at France. "You tainted my brother!"

"He what?" England barked.

"Please, don't tell me you just now noticed my handiwork." France laughed, but it was short lived.

"You bastard!" Growled England.

"You're done for!" Shouted America. There was a brief silence, as the rest of the countries waited for the world to end. I mean, England and America working together? France went white with shock as he realized that the horror was aimed at him.

"Non!" He shrieked as England and America jumped at him. "Why me?" Not being as skilled as Italy on running away, the American ripped off a right sleeve and the Englishman got a boot before the Frenchman left the scene.

"After him!" They cried in unison before leaving the room.

Awkward silence.

"So, does anyone know what we were supposed to be doing this meeting?" Austria groaned, pushing up his glasses so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. _'Maybe, if I think hard enough, I will realize I'm not here...'_

"Oh, I know." Russia pushed himself off of his chair before standing in front of the board. "Zis very simple."

"I'm not becoming one with you!" Yelled Lithuania.

"Vhat?" Russia blinked in confusion. "You make it sound like you have choice in matter."

Falling into one of Lithuania's secret escape routes, France made no little than a peep as the floor disappeared underneath him and closed up. _'What is this, Dungeons and Dragons?' _He thought wearily as he rubbed his sore bottom in the darkness. Which was weird, as normally it wasn't he who got the sore buttocks. Above, England and America hit on the breaks when they entered the hallway France disappeared in.

"Where could he have gone?" England looked around. There where six doors, evenly distributed on either side. At the end where the hallway finished, was two more directions France could have gone.

"He's not smart." America opened one the doors to peer inside. "He probably continued on running." Underground, France flipped America off. Culturally, France has a good number of rude gestures and you are free to imagine any of them.

"Which means he went either right... or left." England stroked his invisible goatee.

"I'm going left." They both said automatically. France giggled.

"What?" England felt a tug at his heartstrings._ 'We were getting along so well! Please let it not end here!'_

"I said, I'm going left." America began to walked forward before England blocked him.

"But I want to go left!"

"Screw you!"

"Dammit America!"

"Fine!" America huffed, crossing his arms. "Heroes always go right anyways!" He then ran down that direction, with full intent on looking as cool as possible. Just abandoned, England sighed as he took the direction he so badly wanted. That was before he fell into one of Germany's secret escape routes.

"Ow! What the-" He blinked as the door above him closed the the safety lights turned on. "Why is there a bed down here?" Noticing a small kitchen to the right, he saw with a pot boiling pasta. He rolled his eyes. "Figures." Walking over, he turned the heat down. Seeing a covered pot, he opened it to reveal the sauce. "Hm... hey, this smells pretty good."

America getting fed up with not finding France began to open and slam random doors, hoping that maybe, behind one of them, France would magically be there.

"Common, France! You can't hide forever!"

"Yes I can." France said to himself as he noticed a strange marking on one of the walls. "A secret door in a secret room? You jest!" He chuckled as he pushed it open. Walking into the new room, he saw an abrupt change of design in the tunnel works. "Russia has a secret room too?" He looked behind him. "And it's connected to Lithuania's..." As the security lights flashed on, France went blind for a few moments as he adjusted to the new element.

"Why is there a bed in here?" He kicked the foot of it, just to make sure it was really there. Seeing that the bed was very well there, as well as the handcuffs attached, France attempted to examine the entire room. But realized that it was near impossible as he noticed what looked like miles of tunnels beyond the bed. What made it more disturbing, is that it seemed to connect to everyone else's secret escape routes. "He really is trying to make us all one with him." He sighed as he picked up a random pickax. "Well, time to fix that."

America was on his forty-third door when he decided there should be a better way to spend his time. "Forget this meeting, I want to go home." He groaned, rubbing his eyes. "I can't even remember who I was doing this for."

"What I don't understand, America-" America yelped as Japan appeared behind him, climbing out of the trap door on the floor, "Why are you so desperate? Is it really necessary?"

"I-! Uh, what?"

"Being who you are is supposed to be a private business." He brushed himself off. "Do not let what France said get to you."

"Private?" America blinked. "Then how do you make friends?"

"I don't know." Japan said honestly. It was a mysterious question indeed.

"But I'm the good guy!"

"I never said you weren't."

"Heroes should never have trouble making friends!" He crossed his arms. "Or- or getting some if he wants to!" There was a brief moment of silence as Japan translated America's words.

"'Getting some'?" Japan turned his head to the side. "'Getting some' what?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" America walked around Japan. "I know how you think, I've seen your... your _anime_ stuff!" America said that, but he wasn't going to admit how much he watched it, or enjoyed it. "Yeah, are you surprised?" He grinned at Japan. "Because guess what? If we got into any relationship," He pointed at himself, "I'm totally seme!"

Of course, once saying that word, he just admitted quite a lot of stuff to Japan. But being oblivious, he didn't notice while Japan blinked, the gears in his head were moving fast. Actually since this is Japan, it would be more chips and wires and not gears. But you get the meaning of my metaphor.

America started to realize that something was up when Japan, not saying a word, walked towards him. Reminded of some certain horror movies, America stepped back by instinct. Lost in confusion and bewilderment, Japan herded him into a recliner. Pushing himself into it's cushions as much as possible, he shut his eyes as Japan loomed over him.

"America, being _'seme'_ requires knowing what you are doing." He was so close to him. _'What happened to his fear?'_ Thought America. _'Every time I would try to hug him or high five he'd always-' _He shivered as he felt Japan's silent breath beating his hair.

"W-what, you think I have no experience?" He felt himself smile. _'Alright, if he gets any closer. I'm going to grab him and-'_ America wasn't allowed to carry out his plan, as Japan kicked the recliner's handle causing America to be thrown onto his back. If that was in revenge for how the economics are recently, we may never know.

America froze in awe, as Japan lightly climbed on top of him. Carefully distributing his weight as if he didn't want to disturb him. A little late for that, but whatever. Finally placing his knees on America's thighs and his right hand pressing against America's shoulder, Japan slipped his left hand under America's jacket. Just ghosting the skin underneath.

"J-Japan!" America sat up as flush came across his face. Japan held onto America's jacket to steady himself.

"Hush, America." Japan laid a finger on America's lips. "Or is it that everything you do must be so loud?" With that finger, he gently pressed America back down.

"But- but what are you-" The finger was placed again on his lips.

"Please America, decide." Japan carefully stroked America's bangs. "I wish for no regrets." Poker face ever present, America had no idea of the uncertainty and fear running in Japan's mind now. _'England is right, America is such a tease-'_

"But, you said seme means you must have experience."

"Yes." Japan said curtly, he wished this man knew when to shut up and appreciate what he had.

"You've done this before?" He said it, Japan felt what little bravery he had in romantic situations jammed in a glass pot receive a large, flowing crack. Blush now taking over his face, Japan pulled back his hands so he had something to hide behind.

Since the answer did not come verbally, America felt a little odd when he felt jealousy bubble up in him._ 'It's __my__ Japan, England said so at our first WWII meeting...' _America stared. _'Who did he do it __with? Who? It couldn't of been Germany, he's too stuck up. Italy? It's Italy, isn't it? ISN'T IT?' _

Meanwhile, Japan was having his own eternal struggle- _'Why can I never predict America? So irritating, and yet- I can do this... I can do this! I'm always told to be more assertive to America... __KYAA?! Why why why...?'_

Clenching his teeth, Japan attempted to remove America's glasses with the same cool he had starting this problem. Shaking hands pulled the frames off of America's face leaving him surrounded in fuzzy blurs. Placing the glasses safely on the neighboring foot table, he felt America grab his left arm. Before he could say anything, America yanked him over. And before he could let out a proper gasp, America's lips covered his.

While Japan did have more experience, this did not mean he knew what to do with it. One might say he needed a little more before he could level up. Games or not, he knew love wasn't a machine. There are instruction manuals telling you what to do like with a computer, but they weren't very accurate or good. He's seen what it's done to Germany... but back to the fact that America just kissed him.

While when most people close their eyes to a kiss it means they are in pleasure. Some people close their eyes because they rather imagine themselves kissing someone else. And then there's Japan, who closed his eyes hoping America knew better than Japan thought he did. The of the brashness of America's first move made the first kiss sting. Japan knew their would be a bruise forming there in a few minutes as he pulled back from America to think it over. _'Maybe this was wrong... but what if it is right?'_

America realized that wasn't the best move on his part, but instead of apologizing vocally he attempted to be more gentle. Wrapping his arms around Japan firmly, he pulled him down so their chests pressed against each other. Not trying to scare Japan any further, he kept his hands from going below cloth level. Taking in a deep breath, he brushed Japan's hair aside and then began to kiss his left temple. They started out feathery, but as Japan leaned more into it he began to be more firm. He found it queer (take that word as you wish) that for a country who loved seafood, he tasted more like apples and pears.

_'I could totally get used to this.' _America found himself smiling as Japan decided to take his turn.

It was odd, Japan thought there would be an obvious downside to kissing someone who ate burgers everyday. Maybe America was better at dentistry than he previously thought. It wasn't bad. In fact, as Japan placed his lips down on America's, it was more like candied meats. Salty and sweet.

They laid like that for a few long minutes. Their lips locked, and only breathing through their noses. It was a good thing neither of them had a cold. The results of that attempted make out would of gone sour.

But I have to admit, it would've fun to write.

America stroked Japan's hair and ran his hands down his back. He was so used to running around, creating and inventing things. It was what he was used to, and it worked. Well, what he considered worked. Some countries have different opinions on that subject.

He's teased Japan a lot for sitting, seeming like he wasn't doing anything. And here he was, lying with him. He never imagined it to feel so... so pleasant. Eyes closed, he almost felt like he was drifting as Japan's lips just graced his forehead. No whining or bitching from England; no questionable remarks from France; no interests comments from China; no not existing from Canada; no fencing comments from Mexico; and no becoming one with Russia.

_'Things were going right, for once.'_

Those same thoughts went through Japan's head, but being Japan, he couldn't be completely satisfied.

_'Should I keep doing this? It's not smart to leave myself so open...'_ He looked up to see a calm, content America. _'I've never seem him like this. Even when watching movies he could never stay still.' _Turning his wrist, Japan glanced down at his watch. _'Yes, it's best to end it here.' _Feeling the weight and warmth of Japan leaving, America sat up.

"Japan?"

"The meeting is probably over." Japan adjusted his clothes. "It's best to go now before there are any suspicions."

"But aren't we?" America pointed at Japan and then himself. "I mean, aren't you going to...?"

"To what, America?" He paused at the door.

"You... you know..." America felt himself going pink again.

"What do you take me for?" Japan said swiftly before calming his tone down once more. "That was a sample."

And America to this day, much to his chagrin, was still a virgin.

But he is 0.01 percent more of a man.

**Meanwhile, in the adjacent room...**

"Yes!" Cheered Hungary. She kissed the side of her digital camera with vigor before kissing the video recorder in her other hand. "I got everything! Everything!" She skipped in a circle around the room. "These can go right next to my Italy/Germany _and_ Russia/Lithuania photos!" She quickly grabbed a couch pillow and squealed into it.

Life couldn't be more awesome.

**Meanwhile, underground...**

England really enjoyed his meal. He thought about asking Italy what the ingredients were, but then that would have to admit he was sneaking around.

"It's his fault that his trap door isn't working properly." He tried to reassure himself, but then noticed as the aroma of tomatoes disappearing, that the simple smell of roses taking place. "France," he growled, turning around to see the blond lying on Germany's bed.

"You should be thankful, you know." He said very casually as he propped himself up with his elbows. "I just saved your life."

"Oh? From what?" England rose one of his ten pound eyebrows.

"Russia."

"Oh, _please_." England rolled his much lighter eyeballs.

"No! Really!" France said earnestly, clutching the blankets closer to him. As if that would make him seem more innocent.

"You expect me to give a damn about you after what you did to Canada?" England thought about bringing out his gun.

"Oh! Jealous much, England? But that's all in the past~" France grinned, slipping off the bed to walk towards England. "I'll gladly give you the same-" He placed his hands on England's shoulders.

"Eck! Stay away from me!" England pulled out his gun.

Life couldn't be more... French.

**Meanwhile, outside of the meeting...**

"Italy, you didn't... did you?" Germany was finding it hard not to stutter. He shouldn't take it seriously, but he couldn't help but think-

"Probably." Italy said absentmindedly as Germany clutched at his chest as if he just had a heart attack. As dread began to set in Italy added, "What are we talking about?"

"Vhat are ve? VHAT?" He grabbed Italy by the shoulders. "You didn't- not vith- you-" That's about the time America burst through the door.

"You did it with Japan, didn't you Italy?"

Germany felt a heart attack happening.

Life couldn't be more confusing.

**Meanwhile, outside...**

"Please! I'm sorry! Could someone let me in?" Canada shouted, knocking on the door for the umpteenth time. "Help!" Meanwhile, the bear sitting at the bottom of staircase, removed his head.

"Canada, vould you care become vone vith me?"

Life couldn't be more rape-able.

Ah- wait, what?

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In many countries, it's been shown that virginity is a nasty subject matter. The male heroes always have the right sized dicks and seem to have been born laid. A male virgin is a freak. For females, they are expected to save themselves until they magically know when the right man comes along. When the heroic couple gets together, it's always the best sex. Even if it's their first time. They are also incredibly noisy. But I shouldn't criticize, after all, the Italians... well, you know the stories.

They're all true.

There is a lot more historical crap attached to this story, but I don't feel like mentioning it right now. I hear Hungary is charging 4,600 forint per ten by eleven print.


End file.
